i'm a bit weepy

i'm a bit weepy the day after our trip ends and we are back in our villa in the desert.

and i'm having a hard time figuring out why exactly.  but through the day, it becomes a bit clearer.

not only am i just so darn tired (let's face it, traveling with kids is not a vacation, but just a trip), i'm also adjusting back.  i'm in transition, and i've always had a difficult time with change.  i need self-love and patience and to sort through each emotion so that i don't get ahead of myself and wallow in the superficial reason instead of the true reason hidden behind.

so, little by little i calmed down and dried the tears.  i had some alone time and thought and read.

you know that post that i wrote about the agony and work it was to take a trip with our littles?  the post where i reveal to you--shocker, i know--how selfish i am?!  where i write out and say how these precious kids of ours made things more challenging over those three weeks?  well, part of my weeping may or may not have been because i was sad to see all of that time come to an end.

can we say d to the e to the lusional?!!

yup, as quickly as i'd wanted out of the whole concentrated time with my family bit, i also wanted part of it back.  there's a reason why we had a second kid--i forgot how painful it was having the first!  ha!  same goes for this.  i remembered all of the sweet moments.  those were the memories that stayed in my subconscious and what moved my heart and brought on the tears.  it was recognizing that chunk of time as something that i'll never get back again.  i saw so many beautiful, captivating things, but more then that, i saw them with the people who i love the most.  the beauty of michelangelo's work on the sistine chapel became strikingly more so because i sang sweet lullabies to my babe who rested on my chest--who calmed just a bit while we twirled in that space.  audrey will never remember the places we visited, but perhaps they will stick in my memory a bit firmer because of the mash-up between the sublime and the strenuous.

i can't get it back.  my daughters were four-and-three-quarters and two on this trip.  and next year, whatever we do, they will be five and three years old.  the year after that, well, you can do the math.  this is time.  moving.  and deep inside those seemingly debased sobs, i felt the shift, the change in time.

we come to the open gate of 2014 and have no choice but to enter through it.  i will enter through it this year, blessed, with a wonderful husband and two amazing kiddos.

change is hard for me to adopt.  but tears can dry and i do adjust.

thankfulness is there, written in so many ways throughout the wording of this post.  maybe it should be the first thought, but i'm not generally built that way.  i arrive at thankfulness by way of what caused the stirring.  but since this in the end of this post, i'll surmise that i'm thankful for 2013.