it is true that sophie is quite active. and so wonderfully so. she's animated, energetic, hilarious, and she can also be quite dramatic. she's learning to play well on her own--carrying on conversations between her babies and acting out little scenes. it's so fun to watch and to listen to.
but lately, with the physical limits i have in this stage of pregnancy and with the reemergence of this frustrating pain called pubic symphysis, i have been quite sad to miss out on or have to limit some of our rambunctious time together. i love the moments of silliness and dramatic play we can engage in--where dogs become dragons and cardboard boxes, our castle. i love taking sophie to dance class and holding her in my lap as we stretch, and holding onto her hands as we do a bit of free style dance at the end of class.
but my body is telling me that i have to limit these things. and i'm tired. and taking tylenol is usually the way i have to start my day. and i'm constantly switching between ice packs and soon my schedule will include a regular trip to physical therapy. i'm a little upset at my body--in a way--that i can't keep up with sophia (crazy, i know). and i'm completely complaining, but i'm also sort of grieving the brevity of my time with my first born. i want to take her to the zoo again--just us two--but it's too painful to walk that long. and although i have an amazing friend who is willing to join us at our dance class time to be my replacement, i will watch from the side my daughter's smile and her delight with dance movement. and i don't want to miss out on these mommy-sophie times.
and the reality that there are only weeks left with just my one daughter, my darling sophia, is now creating this ache, this sadness, knowing that i will never have this again. and things will be completely different. and i'm scared too. i'm scared about what i will miss out on: our silly times in the morning--where she snuggles with me in my bed as we wake up slowly with lots of kisses and tickles, our secret conversations...just us two, i will even miss the schedule we've established--our routine that has been quite simple in many ways. and i will miss seeing her...just her...knowing that i have missed something, and suddenly she is older. and i won't have all of the pieces to fit together to figure out how that happened in it's odd way. because i will have another little love to care for with delight.
and so i am grieving the inevitable loss of these last few years, in a sense. of having one child to call my own. one child to snuggle with. one child to sing princess songs to. one child to prepare meals for. one child to lock into a car seat. one child to play babies with.
she has had my attention, and i have been her audience of one.
of course i know there are so many beautiful, lovely things to look forward to with two children. and i am greatly looking forward to meeting our new little babe. but i'm allowing myself, here, to feel this range of emotion. to feel what it's like to actually close this season with my one child before i embrace the joy of having two children! and for now i am a mother of one, i see life as a mother of one...