and so i sit here with a little baby inside my womb. growing. and i often forget. i often don't have the energy to "be pregnant" right now. which makes me a bit sad. it's been an odd discovery--one not expected--with emotions spreading such a wide spectrum. but through prayer the minutes after realizing i was pregnant, God has been so good to bring such true joy! and excitement! and ben and i couldn't be happier to welcome babyNew into our home, into our tiny family come winter. those first few days and weeks allowed us to dream and imagine a little baby in our arms again. to see our family of three grow to four. and it was special to hold that secret for a few weeks until after the confirming appointment with our midwife.
and so i sit here reflecting on these first few months of pregnancy feeling utterly exhausted with that (and a bit of light nausea) being the only real signs that i'm pregnant. yes, we did get to see our baby at eight and a half weeks, moving already. and that was so delightful. and yes i did get to hear the beautiful heartbeat of this baby. but i can't wait to feel pregnant. and i know that is coming in this next trimester. and i'm ready for it! i want to outgrow my pants and shirts and dig out my maternity clothes again. i remember crying in the hospital after giving birth to sophie just missing the feeling, the connection of her inside of me. and so, to see my body change and swell with a baby again stirs up such a motherly joy! and to add to that--i get to be pregnant during the summer! without bulky winter coats to conceal my pregnant belly!
and so i sit here in my first trimester knowing this is the trimester of "being pregnant" while i know the second trimester will hold such lovely feelings of baby movement, physical signs of a baby within, and the continued growth of another heart all for this special little babe. it will be about "having a baby." a sweet friend once outlined a women's pregnancy in these terms and it was very comforting and beautiful to see each trimester as a new stage in growing as a mother--the first: "i'm pregnant"; the second: "i'm having a baby"; and the third: "i'm going to be a parent (or parent another little one)".
and even though i'm not "showing", sophie doesn't really know that piece, so she consistently finds a moment or two within our day to lift up my shirt and talk to the baby or kiss my belly to reassure the baby she loves him/her. today she made the sound of a crying baby and came right over to lift up my shirt and whisper to the baby, "it's okay baby." "don't cry". and i can rest there with her leaning over my stomach and know, i AM pregnant. And this baby; this baby is REAL. sophie is making this baby real for me.