i'm finding my resting heart rate is now lower. purposeful and less fearful.
we've nearly been back to living in pittsburgh for a year. and my heart rate then felt so unsure, high, jumpy. i'm not really talking about my physical heart and the movement for which it pumps blood throughout my body. i'm gauging my spirit self.
i'm going to tell you that i'm not a runner. i don't like it. but i trained and ran-walked a leg of the pittsburgh marathon relay earlier this month. and in preparing, i felt capable. i had energy and felt my heart getting stronger. it was work, but i was grateful to do it.
i'm also coming to a place where my mind and spirit are feeling stronger, at ease. but i've been working on those too. and it hasn't been easy, but the pulling-a-hamstring kind of hard. i was so unsure about myself a year ago, even though i knew leaving the desert was what i needed for awhile. but i felt weak and malnourished in my soul. i couldn't even sense what exactly was aching, let alone how to heal it.
i anticipate that i'm starting to arrive at a place where i'm done yelling at God for what i felt like, abandoning me in our life in Qatar. i'm sensing a readiness "to listen deeply; to listen with a tender, yielding heart; to listen adventurously enough to be utterly surprised at what we hear" (wendy wright). maybe it's because i still don't have the words to talk about all of the layers in meeting my deep wantness in Qatar. maybe it's because i know that through all of this darkness, there is great, golden Light on the other side and i'm longing to get there. maybe it's because i've been able to have a healthy cry and settle into a bit of gratitude when remembering the desert.
i've been so in love with the imprints left on me after i read a portion of jan richardson's, "in the sanctuary of women," these past few months. i've reacted with sighs of understanding in being "seen", tears of great sorrow in what i couldn't find, and quietness in my mind and a lowering of my resting heart rate as i turned her written words over in my soul. today i read:
jan's spiritual director presented this question to her. and i take it and re read it. again.
i think about where i am now: 4 years after leaving pittsburgh, 3 years living overseas, one year back in the familiarity, 5 months of one-on-one therapy, 4 months of the comfort of my sanctuary of women, the four women i can be transparent with, 1 week of meeting with my spiritual director.
this question offers me a doorway to help me find my way. and i check my heart rate and continue on through.