rounding that there one?


about the same time that i felt this immense grief and elation on not having a third child, i also had this dull, aching feeling of "what if i never round that corner?" you know, the proverbial corner back to normalcy and sanity. we talk about it in those seasons of life that are shaky and brutal and we want to round the corner into secure, solid ground.

but for me, i don't think i will ever find that corner and take the turn. you see, every day i have to choose to care for my mental health. i take a pill every morning (goodness, missing a day or two really changes things), and i rely on that chemical to do it's thing and stabilise my emotional highs and emotional lows into something more manageable and less screw-bally. i do it so that fewer insults and passive aggressive phrases hit my husband. i do it so that i don't check-out when i'm with my kiddos or really get angry with the small stuff. i do it for me so that my head stays above water and so that i don't feel so shitty about myself.

and just the other day, i went in deep and thought, this might be the day i check myself into the clinic. it was an evening where i needed help with my mental health because it felt scary and isolating and far from rounding the corner. 

these are rare moments in my life, but they exist and help me check on myself and my mental state. but i lied about that last bit because in that moment, i'm usually sobbing and feeling lost, trying to find my voice, repeating my manta and taking deep breaths. but afterward, i do a check and realize, oh yes, i need to meet with therapist on a regular basis.

this is the point where i've concluded that i will probably never round that corner. it will be, for me, hard work just to keep going on. after 23 years of meeting with a counselor, i've resolved that it might just be a lifetime practice. after 7 years of medication, i've resolved that it's chemical and my brain needs the help. i don't feel defeated by these measures, necessarily, but now i work on accepting that my path might not contain 'the corner' to round. 

so, i try to listen: to myself, to the lovely voices of my children, to God, to my kind husband, to the advise of my therapist, to silence and rain fall. within me, i have a long path to walk, but i'm not going to look for corners to round, i'm going to tend to the path i'm on.